What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive
What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling with Conception
For many individuals navigating the challenges of infertility, the words of loved ones can carry unintended weight. Vicky Levens, a 29-year-old receptionist from Belfast, recalls how her third miscarriage left her emotionally raw, yet colleagues and managers continued to offer comments that felt dismissive. “At least” one female manager remarked, implying Vicky’s early pregnancy was a positive sign, while a male manager criticized her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t fit for her role. These remarks left Vicky in tears, prompting her to resign after her next shift. Her experience highlights how even well-meaning phrases can sting during a difficult time.
Common Misguided Remarks
Over time, friends and family often share advice or reassurance that may not align with the emotional reality of those trying to conceive. Vicky says people frequently tell her, “It’ll be your turn soon” or “Just hold on to hope,” without acknowledging her pain. While these comments aim to comfort, they can feel like judgments. “In the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that,” she explains. “It hurts.”
“A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it,” remembers Kay, 33, from Manchester. Her words were spoken by someone close before she began IVF, adding to her sense of isolation.
Taboo and Cultural Pressures
In some South Asian communities, women facing conception delays face relentless scrutiny. Asiya Dawood, a 42-year-old British-Pakistani resident of West London, says relatives often question her “womanliness” if she doesn’t conceive quickly after marriage. They may blame her for prioritizing career goals or delaying marriage. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” Asiya recalls, describing how she withdrew from friends and family during her struggle.
The NHS reports that approximately 1 in 7 couples encounter difficulties conceiving. In 2023, over 50,000 UK patients underwent IVF cycles, where embryos are created in a lab and implanted into the uterus. Despite this, infertility remains a sensitive topic for many. Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on an NHS IVF waiting list, admits she felt embarrassed discussing her condition. “You feel like you’re failing yourself,” she says, noting the stigma around fertility issues.
Seeking Support and Understanding
Experts emphasize that support varies for each person. Joyce Harper, a reproductive science professor at University College London, explains how IVF treatment can be emotionally taxing, with moments like period cycles or embryo transfers triggering intense feelings. “The process itself is a roller coaster,” she notes, urging those close to the individual to recognize the emotional impact.
Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, suggests that support doesn’t always come from the usual circle of friends. “Your IVF team might differ from the people who typically offer comfort,” she says. She encourages individuals to use counseling services available at UK clinics, which can provide tailored guidance. Vicky adds that friends and family should ask what kind of help is needed, as needs differ from person to person.
Acts of Kindness Matter
While some encounters are painful, others offer warmth. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shares how her friends and family provided meaningful support after her miscarriages. They visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted vouchers for restaurants to help her relax. Even small gestures, like texts acknowledging her journey, made a difference. “It’s not just the big gestures,” Elena says. “These little signs show you care.”
